Finding Alexander

I think every cricket player has a fascination with statistics, either their own, all of them in general, or those of professional players.
When I used to volunteer at my old club there was a record of old access database files for stats, but I could never get it to open, and never work. It would have been nice to have a database of their stats. I think every club would like one to be honest. We do have one but they don’t all date back as far as club stats go, which can be of over 100 years in some cases.

When I shifted to my current club, there was another archival “database”. I’ll use that term loosely because it was just a spreadsheet that was manually updated by someone every season. And no Forumlae to make it easier, just manually punch the numbers in. Then they’d go an update a career spreadsheet… manually. As I started to do more administration roles in the club, and cricket shifted from using MyCricket for stats across to PlayHQ. I found myself trying to automate as many tasks as I could, being a volunteer requires a lot of work and you end up being time poor. Making things automated reduced time spent on what you had to do.

As I kept going and moved into a Presidents position, I found more things awry. All their documents for minutes were kept between peoples email, usb drives and PC’s. No central location, and then no files were stored in the one place either. Just a mish mash and trying to find them. I set things up like a Box.com account to store things which helped somewhat. I went through trying web based software to manage tasks lik Monday.com and all the alternatives and in between. Nothing really ever managed to cut the mustard, it either didn’t do what I wanted, or did too much. Involved too much setting up or the licensing fee’s were stupid expensive.

I’ve ended up making something of my own, it’s been a project I’ve been working on since about April or May in 2025. And now I’m getting close to being able to publicly launch it, I’m terrified. It’s like a proper case of imposters syndrome. I hope it works out and it can be useful, but I’m also terrified of failure. I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks time.

Sometime back, I thought I would try and document the in’s and out’s, and the daily events of being the President at the cricket club. Well, that went to shit. I was too busy doing a lot of everyone elses tasks to be able to do anything outside of that. Including losing time at work that I desperately needed.

Anyway, I have 2 weeks left of Presidency at the club left then it hands over to others. I’ll still be around in another format, but I have other things to concentrate on. I’ve been asked to help my old club out, they are on a verge of folding if they continue to go the way they do.

I’m hoping with summer coming I’ll get more time out with my drone, it’s been a year since I posted about that and it’s easy to fly. I just haven’t got into the tricky stuff with panning around things as I go and what not. Hopefully some nice drone photos and videos, and I’ll get out again with my Sony A5000.

Stay tuned though, I’ll have something else to write about.

That’s Rolling Stones, not Benny Benassi.

It’s been a while since I’ve put anything in there, it’s a combination of mental burn out, light depression, unsatisfactory with life and just being busy and relied on by too many people. So I’ve not been able to crawl myself here to write anything.

I still miss my boy, every day. While my parents got another dog and he’s adorable and affectionate. I still miss Memphis. I don’t think I know how to grieve properly and still haven’t processed it enough to get over it to not feel sad all the time.

I got a drone, I’m learning how to fly it. Hopefully summer time will give me more time outdoors flying it and some creativity.

I’ve come to the conclusion lately that I’m lacking satisfaction with my life, as in a hobby that keeps me going and looking forward to doing random things out. Hopefully the drone will be something I can do, but it’s very weather dependent. Much like most of the photography before. If I can wind up cricket and get away from it, I’ll be searching for something else. I thought about spending time working on my car, I’ve enjoyed watching Mighty Car Mods and it looks appealing and something I can learn on. The 380 is in need of some work, and a respray. Some I can do, some I can’t. And I can’t really afford to throw money at a newer car, theres nothing wrong with the Mitsi other than it just looks tired.

It’s taken me a long time to work out why I still feel continuous sadness since last speaking to Lisa, but I think I’ve now worked that I’m in a place of mourning, almost like I’ve lost a soul and yearning to always have it back. I think about her, and miss her daily. There are a lot of things I miss about her that replay over in my head.

It’s been a year since I lost Memphis also, there’s an infinite hole that cannot be filled not having my shadow beside me anymore. The constant reminders when I go to my parents place, which does not help when he’s talked about so much. I just want to squish him and see his big smile.

It’s been a year since I’ve heard from Riss also, I have no idea why there’s been nothing but silence. But I’ve been fine without it for some time now and my day to day goes on. I do struggle on those hard days though, the ones like today when I’ve signed up to again have surgery in my neck. The overwhelming sense of doing something like this on my own again. I’ve no one to give me a hug and talk it through, and make me feel better. Much like the diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia. Given she’s dealt with it too, it would have been someone good to lean on. But I no longer have anyone for that, none of the good ones who do understand. And the ones that are there don’t understand and that feels just as bad.

It’s hard walking around carrying all this, and on top of my physical health that I can barely walk around anymore.

I’m not sure what to do anymore…

I’ve spent quite a long time spending my days at work and doing my usual life things, walking around with a sadness that’s dragging behind me. I know what it’s from, but I’ve never been able to accurately put it into words. I don’t like dragging it around, I’d like to be happier, have more enthusiasm with things in my life. But it’s just there and I’ve had no idea how to deal with it previously until I had something appear in my Instagram feed from one of my favourites, J.M. Storm.

When you find beautiful depth with someone, nothing else will ever do. Nothing else will ever be good enough.
Because you have been awakened to the fact that mere moments in the abyss holds more intimacy than years on the surface.
And once you become conscious to that, there is no going back to sleep.

JM Storm

I took a week off work to get away from answering phone calls, getting smashed by work tasks and just some general time to myself. Which I didn’t really get, I’ve been doing stuff for the cricket club while I’m away on my laptop, including this blog post!
I’ve had some time off, I’ve been for some walks, I’ve taken some photos, been for some drives and eaten food in different places. So it’s not been all bad.
But given I came back to my home town which is where L lives now, it’s been a constant state of low anxiety and heartache because I do miss her very much. I’ve been much the same state, without the anxiety, that I miss her every day, and I’ve been like that since we stopped talking.
I’d give anything for a hug from my twin flame and a kiss on the cheek.

The cricket season is almost to a close, with the pending Senior Presentations in two days. It’s been a challenging season, to say the least, with far too much micromanagement of people who can’t make decisions on their own, those who don’t want to take on any tasks. With lots of those who are happy to give their own opinion but not roll their arms up and get things done.

Hopefully, the winter period will be time for me to get a lot of stuff done on my list to get things organised for the next and it’ll run a bit smoother.

I feel like there were a lot of underlying tasks that were never done by some of the previous committees, and nothing written down for newcomers. Nearly everything I’ve had to deal with this season was decisions made by the previous committee but not enough thought or planning put in, and I’ve had to manage and patch things along the way, without doing anything that I thought would help the club succeed to where it wants to be. So anything I thought would help the club, has not had any time to be thought about or started.

I guess we’ll see how the winter period goes and what happens leading up to it.

Last Saturday, I had to say goodbye to my shadow. 13 years of the best a boy could give me.
Am I sad? very much, a part of me has left and there’s a hole in the earth.
There’s no warmth left in the corner of the lounge room anymore.
I knew it was coming but it came up so fast, and I feel like I missed out on the last few moments with him.
While I was there when he passed, and I held his head in my hands and told him I loved him. I still feel like I’ve missed out on the last few moments to take him to the beach or out for a drive.
He returned home today, ashes in an urn. But it’s not the same.
I’m going to miss the hair stuck to me, his paw on my foot, or staying as close as he can to me whenever I’m around.
He was my place to go to when I needed comfort, and now I have nowhere to go.
I’m going to miss him for a long time.

I took a trip, it wasn’t a big one. But I drove an hour out of Adelaide to pick up a used camera I had said I’d buy. Nikon D3100 with an 18-55mm lens and an 18-200mm lens so I can take photos of the cricket, and I hated every fucking moment I spent in the Navara. Granted I did get to go on the new Northern Expressway bit at night and see none of it anyway.

When I decided to swap from a sedan to a 4×4 dual cab I thought it might help me change my life up a bit and let me do new things. I’d go to the drive-in and lay in the tray, I’d go down to Moana beach with some friends and for once, I might actually swim in the ocean instead of just walking along with it and taking photos. I might even go away camping with Riss, I’d even spent Two hundred dollars on swag for it. Which has spent two years sitting in my closet. I thought I could pick up timber and build things in the shed too.
First came the fuel consumption issue, then came the engine light issue, then the head unit packed it in and I had no Bluetooth, and the front speakers didn’t work either. The throttle body got replaced, the EGR got replaced, and finally, the engine light issues went away. But it still went through fuel like my nephews go through juice boxes.
Then I noticed the seeping in boots around the suspension. I did my tax and send it off to the accountant and saw that between the parts, travel, insurance and loan repayments I’d spent $7500 on it in a year. That’s the difference between the money I have in savings and having enough for a house deposit.

I was pretty distressed over it, so I figured I’d stick it up for sale once the registration was about to expire. There’s a chance, I’ll get more than I paid for it thanks to Covid. People aren’t buying new cars and a lot are going for 4×4 utes so they can go camping… just like I was going to do. The drive to Nuriootpa was horrible, it was bouncy, wobbly, noisy and just all-around shit to be in the car for that long after a days work. It wasn’t comfortable at all, not to mention it handles like a fucking houseboat.

But I’ve come to resent that car, buying it, but also making me realise my friends are flakey. I’m tired of text messages being replied to in 5-7 business days while they fuck about on social media. Or those who stop contacting you once something “new and shiny” comes into their life. It’s made me realise what a good friend is, and isn’t. A few years back I thought that I would give people my time because to me I time was a valuable thing and they deserved my time and attention. Now I’ve realised, all they did was fucking waste it.

I finally stopped texting first, and it’s amazing how many people don’t talk to you if you don’t start the conversation.

Things are pretty quiet on the social front, social media and friends. Outside of work and my parent’s I haven’t been around anyone since the start of June. My phone sits on the coffee table at night, I don’t message anyone and they don’t message me. I haven’t had anyone to talk to, but does it really matter when they don’t care in the first place to check up on someone they’d consider a friend? Ironically, people tend to change their attitude toward you when you begin treating them the way they treat you. Which is what’s happening, that’s assuming they talk back in the first place. I guess it’s time they put a little more effort into friendship if they still want it, and I’m going to be heard from now on.

I’m not a door mat, I’m a welcome mat.