The Mourning After

It’s taken me a long time to work out why I still feel continuous sadness since last speaking to Lisa, but I think I’ve now worked that I’m in a place of mourning, almost like I’ve lost a soul and yearning to always have it back. I think about her, and miss her daily. There are a lot of things I miss about her that replay over in my head.

It’s been a year since I lost Memphis also, there’s an infinite hole that cannot be filled not having my shadow beside me anymore. The constant reminders when I go to my parents place, which does not help when he’s talked about so much. I just want to squish him and see his big smile.

It’s been a year since I’ve heard from Riss also, I have no idea why there’s been nothing but silence. But I’ve been fine without it for some time now and my day to day goes on. I do struggle on those hard days though, the ones like today when I’ve signed up to again have surgery in my neck. The overwhelming sense of doing something like this on my own again. I’ve no one to give me a hug and talk it through, and make me feel better. Much like the diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia. Given she’s dealt with it too, it would have been someone good to lean on. But I no longer have anyone for that, none of the good ones who do understand. And the ones that are there don’t understand and that feels just as bad.

It’s hard walking around carrying all this, and on top of my physical health that I can barely walk around anymore.

I’m not sure what to do anymore…

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