Browsing Tag

two hundred crappy words a day

An idle mind is the devils workshop

Reflect peoples attitude and behaviour back at them, and watch how they change. Or something like that. I saw a quote similar to that but I didn’t save or screenshot and I’ve never been able to find it since. Carpe diem next time I see shit like that.

I guess that’s the view I’ve taken my few on friends and whatnot over time. Tired of feeling like a pitstop, a counsellor to them with their issues. Only talking to me when they need it, getting help when it suits them. I’ve gotten tired of peoples behaviour, especially towards myself.

The one’s who will complain about never getting a text back from someone, but never reply to me. The one’s who show no interest in hanging out, or no time for me. But have plenty of time for anyone else. So when I start to close myself off to them and they get less attention, it’s like a rubber band. They come flying back and want to catch up, want to talk about things. But I know it’s just another temporary step.

I guess this all comes from having a lot of time to myself, plenty to think about when you’re alone. But I guess that’s why I try to fill my time with several projects, the database, the app, the magic mirror, the woodwork builds in the shed, various websites. So long as I don’t leave my mind idle I can distract myself from them, and when I’m doing those things or have it planned I don’t put it off because someone’s returned to contact and want me to jump once they want to do something. I guess it’s better to be productive at something rather than do nothing at all.

March 27, 2021 by

Father Time

I guess time will catch up with us at any stage, I knew it would come eventually. Just a matter of, when?

I always knew that since being diagnosed with chronic illness things would eventually catch up and I’d slow down.

Cricket has always been a game that I’ve loved, and also hated. It taught me a lot, patience and pain, it’s like a cruel mistress. It’ll teach you about all the things you shouldn’t have done, every mistake and slip.

After finishing a season of cricket in 2018, I figured I was done but might try one more year. Summer 2018 rolled around and I started training, only to hurt my back and missed the majority of the first half of the season, I filled in one game to field and help the guys out. I had the taste for it again, while the days were long, hot and very tiring. Most of the time you’d be let down in some form, but other times you can end up with victory.

It wasn’t until I played a game shortly in the second half of the season, where I filled in as captain when I realised I’d be calling time on playing cricket ever again. While we won the game, the first for the guys in the season, hard fought and earned, and it was my first and only win ever as a captain. Standing in the outfield on a hot day, my body was calling it time, and we were both to an agreement that any games would no longer happen. Either from an illness, repeated injuries or lack of desire to play the game.

I still enjoy watching it, especially the long format.

November 9, 2020 by

Quarantime-alone

There’s quite a lot of noise on social media at the moment about people being in isolation because of COVID19. Some seem to glorify staying home like it’s a new trend, the extroverts are starting to crawl up walls like Spider-Man because they can’t go out given restaurants, cafes, pubs, bars and any non-essential business has had to close to keep the infection rate down.

For the introverts, it’s heaven. We never really went out that much and when we do, no ones around anyway. Need a trip into Rundle Mall? No problems, not a soul in sight. It’s like watching one of those zombie apocalypse movies with empty streets. But I can’t go down to the pub, have a cold pint, and wait for it to blow over. Because it’s closed.

There’s a lot of panic and paranoia. Most likely fuelled by how the media spins their news, creating more panic than there needs to be. In turn, creates uncertainty for a society that is anxious and tense a lot of the time. The fires, floods and almost World War 3 probably weren’t a good way to kick off a year either, it would have already had everyone highly strung.

I’ve decided to cease the opportunity of the quiet time and get as much done as I can on my various lists. I’ve replaced my shower head in the bathroom, I think I’ve spend close to two years looking at it spraying in all the wrong directions. Half an hour and $25 later, it’s fixed. I’ve put seals around the doors to keep the cold breezy air out in hope I won’t need to use my heating as much and keep my power bills down. Not because I’m tight, but $10 spent on foam strips and 20 minutes around the house might save me a lot over a year.

There’s also opportunity to read some more books, write in your blog more, take up a new hobby or revisit one. Get things done around the house you’ve been putting off, making something new or get creative in the kitchen, more family time with board games or movie nights. Life will slow down, people will live a slower pace for a while and they should embrace it. It’s like they look at isolation as punishment rather than as an opportunity to be doing something else.

April 5, 2020 by

Great Scott!

Whoa, this is heavy.

There’s been a lot on the past week, and while it hasn’t been stressful it’s just been a lot to take onboard. Work has been particularly busy due to everyone needing to be able to work from home, or remotely due to the whole COVID-19 outbreak. There is plenty of work and I’m keeping busy, but also trying to keep my distance from clients in case of those who are infected and may pass it onto myself.

On Wednesday I had my first psychologist appointment, it was at least a comfortable introductory session where we could talk about what’s going on, why and how we can go about working on them. My main concerns have been the depression, which seems to have been a side effect of my chronic illness, the last six months have probably been the worst of it. Speaking with both my counsellor and my psych, we’ve ended up in the general ball park that the Fibromyalgia had the side effect of depression and anxiety. But also that it’s had another side effect of disassociating with any of the empathy that I had before towards others in my life. In turn, this has cause some friction with others, and hurt them as well.

So working on that will be my main priority, and the psych is also giving me tasks on helping me manage pain with Fibro and also mapping some new neural pathways. It’s a start, and I’ll just have to keep going.

Friday I had another follow up appointment with my GP, just to see how the anti-depressants are going, and so far no major side effects. I feel stable, while just a tad low in mood. But not as low as the Dothep I was taking. It’s certainly doing a better job. We’re going to see how it goes for another month and reassess again, and I can also look at going up in the dose if I feel I need it.

Yesterday, was also my birthday. Schfifty-five, no. Just kidding, Thirty-Seven. I don’t feel any different to be honest. Maybe a tad of anxiety around life that I’m late 30’s and not doing all the things other people do like marriage and a family. I’m still trying to find my way. But that’s been a low level lingering feeling for quite some time. I’ve never been a big birthday person, I got a message just after midnight from Riss saying Happy Birthday, in her own way too. A few from the other people that count, and the ones I usually expect won’t remember or message.

I caught up with an old co-worker/house mate I haven’t seen in a couple of years, but we’ve kept in touch online a little, and he’s only 20 minutes away. I spent the evening with my parents, a simple dinner, some cake that put me in a sugar coma until this morning, and also watched John Wick with Dad as he’s never seen it. He enjoyed that and is going to watch the other two.

Today is just kicking around the house and doing a few things, and hopefully I get to hang with one of my favourite humans later this evening.

Having a Macbook dedicated to blogging is also helping me write more frequently and also have ideas for other things to talk about.

March 29, 2020 by

COVID-19 World Tour

There’s a lot going around the news about the Corona Virus, panic has set in, people are hoarding supplies. From toilet paper and pantry items, through to seedlings and live animals. It’s a bit insane. Am I worried? Not as much as everyone else, I think I’ve always been pretty resourceful. Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money, and I’m just content having food in my stomach regardless of what it is, when I’ve been at the point of having none.
I’ve even struggled as an adult when it comes to finances, after moving house in my late 20’s I spent every dollar I had moving, paying for connection fees, rent and bond. To the point, where I borrowed $20 and lived on cheese toasties for a week until my next pay day.

I haven’t been stockpiling things like most people, I’ve bought a few essentials. Mainly so if I go to the shop and the shelves are empty, I still have a backup plan. Yesterday I went to the chemist to get a script filled, and grab some extra of the medication I take daily. I wasn’t really due to buy some more, I still had another 2 weeks left but I thought if the shelves were also empty I have some time up my sleeve to find some more. They were almost empty, and it’s stuff that’s never been out of stock any time I go in.

The virus itself I’m not overly worried about, I do have health issues and it may hit me hard. But it’s nothing I can’t deal with, I think I’ve had worse cases of respiratory infections or colds. In January I had one that took quite some time to get over, my boss and I even joked I’ve probably already had Corona Virus and I fobbed it off as a usual cold due to my immune system. What I am worried about is congestion of the health system, while there are people who are panicking about food and supplies. They are likely the ones who will panic if they get sick and head to a hospital. The issue there is that we have a population of over 20 million and only 100,000 hospital beds available. These should be for the people who are at a high risk.

Given that a lot of the public outlets are being shut down, pubs, restaurants, cafes etc and left with only essential items (typical Australia made sure Dan Murphys was kept open as “essential”). I’m trying to think of ways I can keep myself occupied, I think work will slow down to some degree but we have enough to go on with. I could do some online short courses or write instead of just into my blog. I’m not sure what about, but most people just say “start writing”. It doesn’t matter what it is, just write. It’s also a good time to finally get some timber and start making stuff I guess. While it all costs money and I’m unsure on cashflow, I don’t think I’ll have too much of an issue. But it’s looking like things will be closed down for a while at least.

March 23, 2020 by

Last Summer

I don’t know what I did last summer, to be honest I don’t think I’ve really done a lot of summer things. I know last year I played cricket, in what was likely my last full season ever. I played one game this year, but given how Fibromyalgia is, it’s a struggle for my body. I’m in pain and aches most of the time, but I try and ignore it while I’m playing. But the recovery time after can be over a week, so it’s not something I can do weekend after weekend anymore.

When I think of Summer there’s cricket, warm weather, going down the beach. Which are things I take part in, but there’s also BBQ’s and swimming, day trips to places. None of which I’ve done in years, I think it’s been at least 4 years since I’ve been in the water properly at the beach. Even then, I’d just had my tattoo so I couldn’t fully go into the water.

This summer I’ve wanted to go swimming in the ocean, and I’ve never got much of a chance. When I’m down the beach I’m usually by myself, I can’t really leave my car keys etc out as they might get stolen, and I can’t take them in the water with me or they’ll get ruined. I did think I could probably put them in a zip lock, and then into a zipped pocket and I could go for a swim. I’ve also wanted to do things like a day trip down south and go with someone. But no one really ever answers if I do ask, so I’m stuck in this limbo of going on my own and feeling like shit, and never going because I don’t have anyone to go with and feeling like shit. Which in turn, makes me end up being anxious and not going anyway because I don’t want to go alone. It’s a vicious cycle that I haven’t been able to break for a long time.

I’ve been to the movies by myself, but I guess I can deal with that because I can hide in a cinema for a couple of hours and no one will see me. But I feel disappointed because I haven’t done any of these things, and while there are people I can consider close who would do it, they seem to leave me as an option for when they have nothing else to do rather than someone they want to spend time with. It’s a shitty feeling.

March 13, 2020 by