Is it wrong that Im enjoying using a Mac for blogging? I mean, I hate the things but I have no idea how to use it so I can’t get distracted or fuck with anything else while I’m on it like I do with my pc. Maybe this is why uni students and writers use them, there’s nothing to have fun with on there.

Anyway…

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

Every year “RU Okay?” day rolls around, and it’s the same old story. Everyone posts something on social media that they support mental health, and that we need to be more accepting of it. I noticed it go up, and at the end of the day, my phone wad dry as fuck. Not a single text, and it’s been like that for a year. I think once you tell people you have mental health problems, they cast you aside and treat you differently. I barely hear from anyone anymore, other than those who have always been there. To the point where I’ve culled most of these people off my social media, but haven’t noticed. Despite that they are trolling instagram or whatever 4 or 5 times a day.

It’s been shitty that most of these people have used me like a pitstop therapist. I never hear from them unless they have a problem and then they come flying back in like I’m going to accept it. I think thats everyones attitude towards me, because I don’t have any commitments like every one else, a partner, kids, house/mortgage to pay. They can come and go as they please with the attitude of “oh, that’s just Alex. He’ll be fine”, but that’s been changed over the past year, I’m not fine with it. I’m not a doormat, I’m not your therapist and I’m not your life guru to help you out. I made that decision to see a therapist to help grab hold of the things I couldn’t handle and maybe it’s time other people do too. While it’s a harsh lesson, I ignore phone calls, texts, messages from other apps. I don’t give people a reason to contact me by staying quiet. I have snapchat, but I only have 4 people on it, why would I let people send me snap after snap of useless shit I don’t care about when they can’t reply to a text message? Sending them to people gives them an opening to know I’m free for them to use me like that pit stop therapist again.

There are a lot of people around me who do both of these things, they treat me like a pitstop therapist, but also post about R U Okay day. But I never hear from them to check up how I am, considering that I’m quiet and I barely talk to anyone anymore. I have all of 5 people I speak to regularly and that’s pretty much it. These people don’t seem to practice a lot of what they preach, which is why I’m all slowly pushing them out and letting them do their own thing. But I’ll sit back and wait quietly until they contact me and they’ll know why when it comes time. I’m honest and I don’t have anything to hide, but I’m not going to seek people out if they’ve done something wrong. They can ask and I’ll tell them, but I don’t sugar coat it.

I certainly haven’t been okay the last 12 months, nothing has felt right, or in place. I’ve only felt out of place and struggling to find anything that would resemble normality within my life.

While I was in Scotland, I was trying to have myself a holiday. I can count the amount of holidays I’ve had on one hand in the last 10 years and still have some fingers left over. Some people don’t understand that it isn’t just a break from work, it’s a break from everything. The people, the day to day routine and stress that comes with it. And for me it was a break from those that used me as that pitstop when their problems arise. I had one friend who at least once a week would message me about her insecurities, or that her ex had contacted her, or because some other girl on Instagram was prettier. But I can’t help with those problems, and I’m not going to anymore. Despite that I’ve suggested she go and see a counsellor, offered to drive her there and wait and drive her back. Two years on, she still hasn’t been and continues to do nothing about them other than think that a magic anti-depressant is going to make everything better. You can’t make things better if you’re not going to put in the work.

My closest friend has finally seeked out help, and now I get the vibe that she loves it and should have done it sooner. If you’re the kind of person who thinks you need it, do it. Go regularly, take in things you want to work on, it’s going to suck. You’ll be torn down and built back up to the person you were meant to be.