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blogging

Quarantime-alone

There’s quite a lot of noise on social media at the moment about people being in isolation because of COVID19. Some seem to glorify staying home like it’s a new trend, the extroverts are starting to crawl up walls like Spider-Man because they can’t go out given restaurants, cafes, pubs, bars and any non-essential business has had to close to keep the infection rate down.

For the introverts, it’s heaven. We never really went out that much and when we do, no ones around anyway. Need a trip into Rundle Mall? No problems, not a soul in sight. It’s like watching one of those zombie apocalypse movies with empty streets. But I can’t go down to the pub, have a cold pint, and wait for it to blow over. Because it’s closed.

There’s a lot of panic and paranoia. Most likely fuelled by how the media spins their news, creating more panic than there needs to be. In turn, creates uncertainty for a society that is anxious and tense a lot of the time. The fires, floods and almost World War 3 probably weren’t a good way to kick off a year either, it would have already had everyone highly strung.

I’ve decided to cease the opportunity of the quiet time and get as much done as I can on my various lists. I’ve replaced my shower head in the bathroom, I think I’ve spend close to two years looking at it spraying in all the wrong directions. Half an hour and $25 later, it’s fixed. I’ve put seals around the doors to keep the cold breezy air out in hope I won’t need to use my heating as much and keep my power bills down. Not because I’m tight, but $10 spent on foam strips and 20 minutes around the house might save me a lot over a year.

There’s also opportunity to read some more books, write in your blog more, take up a new hobby or revisit one. Get things done around the house you’ve been putting off, making something new or get creative in the kitchen, more family time with board games or movie nights. Life will slow down, people will live a slower pace for a while and they should embrace it. It’s like they look at isolation as punishment rather than as an opportunity to be doing something else.

Two Hundred Crappy Words a Day

I think I have tried multiple times to blog more often. I have my desktop pc and my Dell laptop, but I always find myself distracted. So I bought a cheap Macbook (that’s also pretty old) with the only intent of using it to blog, which so far I’ve done maybe 95% of the time. I had to use Google to turn off iMessage on the Mac, and also logged in to update some work info. But other than that, it’s stayed logged into my blog permanently in Chrome.

Since my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, the use of my hands has deteriorated a bit, to the point where I can write in my journal for all of maybe five minutes and then my hand cramps up. This could also be due to me not doing a whole lot of writing onto paper anymore, and that I spend most of my time on a computer typing instead.

For now, I’m blogging and also trying out some handwriting exercises I got through Reddit that can help improve my handwriting. I guess not only am I trying to write two hundred words a day into my blog, or a blog post but also get two hundred words out on paper so I can build up my tolerance to writing with a pen again. It’s been slow going but I’m getting there.

I’m not really sure what else I can write about on here, other than just expressing my thoughts each time I feel the need. I’d like to put something up regularly but there are times when I don’t have anything to say really.

But we carry on, two hundred crappy words a day.

twentytwenty – the year that wasn’t

If I had to sum up 2019 in one word, it would have to be “Shit”. But that might not accurately describe it, 2020 isn’t off to a great start either, and it’s not even the end of fucking February.
While I spent most of the year uncomfortable due to growth in several aspects of my life. The usual shit life throws at you was on top of that as well.

Dad having a stroke in March was the kick off, it’s left me spending a lot of time thinking about my future, and what I want. Or more morbidly, what am I going to do once I have no family left? Dad and his wife are all I essentially have. The closest after that is Riss and the boys. But I don’t stay in contact with my other siblings and have no desire too. No wife, no kids.

Later on Riss having a stroke compounded that, to nearly lose one of the closest people in my life left a horrible feeling in my gut. One that makes me feel like I haven’t accomplished a lot with myself, and also… That I wasn’t happy.

I’ve definitely been in a funk, and looking back on how long it’s been going for. Around late 2017 is probably when it went low, and it’s stayed there since. I can’t be sure if it’s from all the various medication I’ve had to take over time, or just that I went down the rabbit hole and I’ve been there since.
Having to deal with one ex this year be someone I didn’t think they ever could be, nasty and vindictive and getting lawyers involved. Was almost the icing on the cake.

But I stuck to the things I had learnt through my counsellor, my logic and it was settled in the end. But it still doesn’t make me feel good after that, I still feel horrible. Not as in a horrible person, but that someone could be so horrible. To twist the truth and even make themselves look like the victim to my own lawyer. I’m not sure that’s how lawyers work. I guess that’s what happens when you call someone out on their behaviour, they’ll lash out.

My uncomfortable space is telling people “no” and standing up for myself. Rather than have them walking over me like most have been doing, I’m no longer a bank, I’m no longer someone’s counsellor, and I’m not there for people when they have a bad day and need their behaviour to be justified.
I’ve created more time and space for myself, and now that I’m on a roll. I’m not going to stop, I have things I want to be doing, things I want to be creating. Things that are good for the soul and give me some happiness and satisfaction with what I’ve done, and I want to be able to do this without anyone’s opinion, or approval. Or telling me what I can and cannot do.

After a lengthy conversation with a friend in the UK the other week, I said I don’t find a lot of happiness, I don’t find a lot of joy in anything, to which she said “you’re depressed”. And she’s right, I would at a guess say that I’ve been avoiding it for quite some time. Where as usually if something comes along and presents me with a challenge I’ll tackle it with a solution head on.

To add further on into the year, while I’m in my uncomfortable place and dealing with bits and pieces internally. My best of all friends attempted to take her own life, triggered by a lot of stress and being stuck in a place with no way out. I think a lot of people tend to know how that feels. But I feel shitty because I wasn’t able to help her, but this time it would have been help in the form of friendship, or advice, or at least picking her up when she got down. But I was at that stage when I couldn’t be a bank or give financial help anymore. Which is something I’ve had to stop doing for my own good.

It’s been a hard road, up and down emotionally. I can be great and 10 minutes later I’m feeling infinite sadness. Is it the fact that I’ve trialled so many medications with my fibromyalgia that it’s started to play with my mind? Depression and anxiety are two of the major side effects of the chronic illness, and I even begin to question my own sanity at times, and my choices.

The worst thing is I’ve lashed out unintentionally at those I love and care about, I’ve compromised their safety, and also that I’ve been a safe space for them to go and that’s been cut off with my behaviour. Recognising it is the first step, doing something about it is the second step. I went to my GP and talked about a mental health plan, and also my counsellor as well. While I’ve been seeing one for a few years now, I’m at the stage where I need additional help for my mental health. If I don’t, it will only continue to spiral downward, affect those I love and care about. Hurt them and have them step back or be pushed away.

I struggle to grip a pen now with the pain that fibro gives me, so I took the plunge and bought myself a cheap Macbook Pro so I can have distraction free writing and use this more as an outlet. As it was said by someone in Mark Mansons novel, “two hundred crappy words a day”. So lets see how I go with two hundred crappy words a day. Not as seperate posts that is.