Browsing Tag

isolation

Would you rather listen to my story or attend my funeral?

I’d consider myself lucky when it comes to the pandemic living in South Australia, as we’re only having our second lockdown. A proper one anyway, the pizza guy doesn’t count because he lied and never had COVID.

But 3/4 the way through a week-long lockdown, I’ve struggled more this time around than before, and not because of the lockdown itself, and not being able to go out. I’ve had to go out for work a couple of times, and also to go see my dog. I took a bit of time after to go for a peaceful drive in the hills where no one was around or could get spotted. Ironically, there was a bloke walking along a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.

But I’ve struggled with, lack of human contact. Outside of work and my parents I’ve not been near anyone for two months up until it was Marissa’s birthday, which was a trip to see Space Jam 2.
While I had the best time with Tink, it’s only ever a band-aid fix for how I feel. She’s always good fun, she rushed in late wearing those viral TikTok leggings I got her for shits and giggles. I didn’t think she would wear them let along out in public, she must want to cause a riot with her ass in public, in her Lola Looney Toons jersey and pink hair. I wouldn’t have her any other way though, it’s her extension of personality that rubs off onto the boys making them lunatics too that make me laugh and smile.
It’s also super adorable watching her trying to get her feet on the seat in front like a small child, and her tiny feet.

But the contact from people has come in ebbs and flows, I’ve realised if I finally stop texting first it’s amazing how many people don’t talk if you don’t start the conversation. I guess that’s the difference between myself and other people, and I think these are the types of people who don’t realise the greatest give they can give is to simply include me in something.

The difference between now and a year ago, is I would have been dealing with both anxiety and depression. When I think about it, to me anxiety is the thing that makes you do drastic responses and irrational behaviour. But it has to be coupled with depression for it to do that. If something goes wrong the reaction might be alcohol or drugs, some form of self-harm to escape as quickly as possible. But now it feels like that’s worn off and all I’m left with is depression.

I feel no motivation to do anything anymore or care about people who don’t contact me. I’ve given up trying to organise things or catch up with people. I mean, why bother? They just don’t reply or told they are too busy to consider you worth your time.
But when you start treating people the same way they treat you, watch how they change. They become more proactive in organising things with you, getting in touch with you and seeing what you’re doing. You might react and change your plans because you’ll feel better when they give you attention. But when you start putting them off because you’ve made other plans or just don’t want to. Their behaviour changes even further, because now they know what it’s like not to feel like a priority.

I just wish people would be honest and forthcoming, and either make the effort or exit stage left and leave me to my own. Time for new friends? Or to get a bit more asshole-ish and call them on their behaviour?

But all this boils down to one thing that does bug me, I have no one to talk to. Much like the last post on here, I get talked over, ignored and left on “read”. No one’s here for me anymore to listen to me when I need it. So instead I sit here every night writing letters to ghosts, wondering how much more time I have left.

 

 

July 25, 2021 by

Serenity Now!

I feel like an episode of Seinfeld at times. I need to yell “Serenity Now!” at the top of my lungs.

I’m wandering around the house tidying up because my parents are coming over, I don’t usually invite them over. Why? Because they are offensive, judgemental, and don’t keep comments to themselves.

I think last time I invited them over I was annoyed about why they needed to discuss with me for an hour about why I don’t have many pictures on my walls. Because I don’t want them? And how does this have any impact on them? It’s not their house and they are not here every day. Not only that, I don’t notice my walls when I’m walking around the house. It’s not an art gallery. Maybe it should be with some of my photos.

Since I’d invited them over, there’s been constant questions about what’s going on. Dad asked on Thursday, and Friday about what to do if they were pulled over by the police for non-essential travel. Given the fact that there are cars fucking everywhere still and people doing non-essential travel. But I had to remind dad that they can simply say they are coming to check on me as I have a chronic illness.

And again this morning while walking around the house thinking about it, they ring me and ask me for the third day in a row the same questions. Also that they are bringing dessert for after lunch, when I told them I’d sorted it, they still went ahead and did it anyway.

So I am essentially “panic tidying” my place so that they can’t see anything they can point at and start criticising me about. “Why is that there?” “What do you have that for?” “Why don’t you do this?”.

Wooooossaaaaaaa… serenity now.

April 11, 2020 by

Quarantime-alone

There’s quite a lot of noise on social media at the moment about people being in isolation because of COVID19. Some seem to glorify staying home like it’s a new trend, the extroverts are starting to crawl up walls like Spider-Man because they can’t go out given restaurants, cafes, pubs, bars and any non-essential business has had to close to keep the infection rate down.

For the introverts, it’s heaven. We never really went out that much and when we do, no ones around anyway. Need a trip into Rundle Mall? No problems, not a soul in sight. It’s like watching one of those zombie apocalypse movies with empty streets. But I can’t go down to the pub, have a cold pint, and wait for it to blow over. Because it’s closed.

There’s a lot of panic and paranoia. Most likely fuelled by how the media spins their news, creating more panic than there needs to be. In turn, creates uncertainty for a society that is anxious and tense a lot of the time. The fires, floods and almost World War 3 probably weren’t a good way to kick off a year either, it would have already had everyone highly strung.

I’ve decided to cease the opportunity of the quiet time and get as much done as I can on my various lists. I’ve replaced my shower head in the bathroom, I think I’ve spend close to two years looking at it spraying in all the wrong directions. Half an hour and $25 later, it’s fixed. I’ve put seals around the doors to keep the cold breezy air out in hope I won’t need to use my heating as much and keep my power bills down. Not because I’m tight, but $10 spent on foam strips and 20 minutes around the house might save me a lot over a year.

There’s also opportunity to read some more books, write in your blog more, take up a new hobby or revisit one. Get things done around the house you’ve been putting off, making something new or get creative in the kitchen, more family time with board games or movie nights. Life will slow down, people will live a slower pace for a while and they should embrace it. It’s like they look at isolation as punishment rather than as an opportunity to be doing something else.

April 5, 2020 by