I’ve wondered lately about the dating game, relationships and what not, and where I fit into all of it. I haven’t dated a whole lot in the past few years, I haven’t felt in the right place for it. It’s not so much a fear of being hurt again, but that it inevitably happens anyway. In some form, someone will hurt me or disappointment, or not be the kind of person they were at the beginning.
I’ve dipped my toe in the pool a few times, only to take it out and continue to ignore it and not really go anywhere with it.
I think my mental health is part of it, I haven’t been in a good place for anything really. Now that I’ve made some moderate progress with it, it’s left me with a bit more time and energy to think about dating, and what I want. My problem is I haven’t really worked out what I want. I’m not interested in fake people, I know that much. I want honest people around me. The kind who know that being honest can hurt, but being dishonest and to later find out they were, hurts more than being honest in the first place.
I do miss having that special someone, but I find it hard to form a connection with anyone lately, and that may be down to the same fact that I had disassociated myself from empathy towards people, that I’ve also disassociated with others when it comes to forming any type of connection. There are some people I still have connections with, regardless of whether we still talk or not, people I love, people I care about. But that’s as far as they go now.
“In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
― Diablo Cody
I’d had a wonderful person in my life at one stage who thought the sun did shine out my ass. Even when things were down and I was struggling, there was still support. There was support and care even when things were good, and I do miss them immensely and always will. I’m definitely finding it hard to love myself lately, and also find that I’m hard to love by others, whether it’s just small things right through to my life may look highly complex to them and they want only parts of me. But I miss having someone who would stick by me, good or bad. Someone to share things with.
“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”
― Deb Caletti