The last month has been a roller-coaster to say the least, incredible highs, incredible lows. Lots of happiness and lots of sadness.
Three years ago when
I took the plunge into getting some counselling/life coaching I didn’t really
know what awaited. I know I’d experienced heart break and being stripped down
to nothing. But a journey had started, I’ve learnt many things along the way and
I continue to do so. I was told I had to get used to “bragging” and
talking about the things I do, I was told to “get comfortable with being
uncomfortable”. As I’ve travelled this journey I’ve had something each
time that happened that felt like a piece of the puzzle to this journey.
In my most recent
session last week, I explained how my week had been and where my headspace was
at. It wasn’t in a particularly great space, and my heart was being pulled in
two directions. One, from meeting someone new and having a full unexpected connection
to them, to revisiting an old one and seeking answers and closure, of which I
had a strong connection with as well.
I’d dipped my toe in the dating world a little over the past few months, coffee, dinner, movies. Whatever at the time to meet someone new. But the date never progressed past a first, and I felt no connection with any of them. It was only until I’d met someone unexpectedly I had the first strong connection since I can remember. It felt like every piece of that puzzle on my journey now fell into place. From the things I had learnt, to the music I had listened to, ideas for the future and things I wanted in life, they were all part of the puzzle as they were mutual between both of us.
I had to
“brag” about the things I had done to continue conversation, and get
uncomfortable when I do that. I still struggle to do that. But the layers
around me came off and I dropped my guard because I met someone who was
unexpectedly and whole heartedly themselves and I was okay with that. A
wonderful woman with more thought and intent from her heart that I’ve come
across. My cup overflowed and every corner of me felt something for the first
time in a long time. We talked about a
lot, life, love, music, things that we are passionate about. We watched
sunsets, walked on the beach and continued talking about anything until we
stared at the stars, which I can’t remember the last time I even did that.
The unfortunate
thing was, the timing seemed to be wrong. As much as she said she was broken
even though I didn’t think it. A string of relationships had led her to the
point where she was overwhelmed at someone treating her differently, and led
her not wanting any contact. As much as she said other things as to why we
shouldn’t have contact, I think they were just there to distance us from each
other so she can protect herself.
But during that
process, I felt like I needed to deal with some past issues. So I got in
contact with someone who had left an impression on me from a long time ago, so
that I could deal with the thoughts that still remained in my head. It’s been
weird reconnecting with someone who gave a lot of heart break, but strangely we
slotted right back in where we left off, it was a familiar place and comfort.
While talking to my
counsellor, she started a diagram of my journey when it’s come to my love life
and the lessons it has taught me along the way. I started at severe heartbreak,
the next moved onto exercising patience. The next was a new experience and dynamics
of a relationship, but also continued to be an asset in my life and continued
support since.
The next was a
lesson in reminding me what I wanted in a relationship. While we had similar
morals, interests and it came from a place of love. There was jealousy and in
the same form I’ve seen before and I wasn’t willing to go down that path again.
The most recent is
yet to teach me a lesson, I let my guard down when I had someone who showed
they cared and listened intently.
By my counsellor
showing my this path and contacting my initial place of heartbreak, I had gone
full circle in my journey, and I’m waiting on the remaining piece of my puzzle
to fall into place. But also that the last person who grabbed hold of me so hard
is still there to come back into my life, she’s not done with me yet, and for
me to understand that I have all the previous lessons I have learned over the
past few years from lovers to reflect on to guide me the right way.
The first layer of
my journey has been peeled off, and soon I’ll be starting the next.