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thank you Danni

From Benches to Beaches

I’ve been to a lot of benches by the ocean and walked on a lot of beaches in the past year. Majority of them with my camera but I’ve been going without my camera or my headphones, due to a good outside influence.

Going to the beach has always been about winding down from stresses in work and life. During a fairly stressful time this year, I hadn’t been down at all for nearly 6 weeks, and when it was pointed out to me that maybe if I went I’d feel less stressed, and they were right. I needed to “ground myself”, and they couldn’t have been any more right at that time.

Getting to the beach and digging my toes into the sand came with a tingling feeling, it could have been just because the sand was freezing cold given we were in the middle of winter. But it felt like all my stresses were running out of my toes while I reconnected myself.
It reminded me of every now and then when I went to the beach on a walk, I’d come across an elderly Japanese man, still in his business suit from the workday. He would still be decked out but not wearing shoes, and it was only until recently that it occurred to me that he was grounding himself.

I remember as a kid I’d spend my summers down the beach, I’d come home with sand all over me and hair feeling like a wire brush from all the saltwater. I’d sleep in it, and feel sand in the bed and on the floor. As an adult, I get in my car and I brush the sand off my feet so I don’t get it in my shoes, or in the car, or in my bed. When I have that spontanous urge to go to the beach after work, I would pull up my jeans so they didnt get wet or sand on them. It’s just a pair of jeans, I have more pairs, it’ll wash out. It’s not the end of the world if I get sand and water on them is it?

Is this something that changed over time as we become an adult and we start to prevent everything that irritates us that didn’t as a kid? Why did we start caring so much about things like this? Is it the opinion of others because we live that lifestyle a little more carefree than most?

It only took a few words from someone with a big heart to remind me that sometimes I need to get in touch with everything outside of me to remind me the small things in life need to be appreciated on a regular basis.
This might just very well direct me on the path I want and need to be heading.

September 1, 2019 by

Peace be the journey

The last month has been a roller-coaster to say the least, incredible highs, incredible lows. Lots of happiness and lots of sadness.

Three years ago when I took the plunge into getting some counselling/life coaching I didn’t really know what awaited. I know I’d experienced heart break and being stripped down to nothing. But a journey had started, I’ve learnt many things along the way and I continue to do so. I was told I had to get used to “bragging” and talking about the things I do, I was told to “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”. As I’ve travelled this journey I’ve had something each time that happened that felt like a piece of the puzzle to this journey.

In my most recent session last week, I explained how my week had been and where my headspace was at. It wasn’t in a particularly great space, and my heart was being pulled in two directions. One, from meeting someone new and having a full unexpected connection to them, to revisiting an old one and seeking answers and closure, of which I had a strong connection with as well.

I’d dipped my toe in the dating world a little over the past few months, coffee, dinner, movies. Whatever at the time to meet someone new. But the date never progressed past a first, and I felt no connection with any of them. It was only until I’d met someone unexpectedly I had the first strong connection since I can remember. It felt like every piece of that puzzle on my journey now fell into place. From the things I had learnt, to the music I had listened to, ideas for the future and things I wanted in life, they were all part of the puzzle as they were mutual between both of us.

I had to “brag” about the things I had done to continue conversation, and get uncomfortable when I do that. I still struggle to do that. But the layers around me came off and I dropped my guard because I met someone who was unexpectedly and whole heartedly themselves and I was okay with that. A wonderful woman with more thought and intent from her heart that I’ve come across. My cup overflowed and every corner of me felt something for the first time in a long time.  We talked about a lot, life, love, music, things that we are passionate about. We watched sunsets, walked on the beach and continued talking about anything until we stared at the stars, which I can’t remember the last time I even did that.

The unfortunate thing was, the timing seemed to be wrong. As much as she said she was broken even though I didn’t think it. A string of relationships had led her to the point where she was overwhelmed at someone treating her differently, and led her not wanting any contact. As much as she said other things as to why we shouldn’t have contact, I think they were just there to distance us from each other so she can protect herself.

But during that process, I felt like I needed to deal with some past issues. So I got in contact with someone who had left an impression on me from a long time ago, so that I could deal with the thoughts that still remained in my head. It’s been weird reconnecting with someone who gave a lot of heart break, but strangely we slotted right back in where we left off, it was a familiar place and comfort.

While talking to my counsellor, she started a diagram of my journey when it’s come to my love life and the lessons it has taught me along the way. I started at severe heartbreak, the next moved onto exercising patience. The next was a new experience and dynamics of a relationship, but also continued to be an asset in my life and continued support since.

The next was a lesson in reminding me what I wanted in a relationship. While we had similar morals, interests and it came from a place of love. There was jealousy and in the same form I’ve seen before and I wasn’t willing to go down that path again.

The most recent is yet to teach me a lesson, I let my guard down when I had someone who showed they cared and listened intently.

By my counsellor showing my this path and contacting my initial place of heartbreak, I had gone full circle in my journey, and I’m waiting on the remaining piece of my puzzle to fall into place. But also that the last person who grabbed hold of me so hard is still there to come back into my life, she’s not done with me yet, and for me to understand that I have all the previous lessons I have learned over the past few years from lovers to reflect on to guide me the right way.

The first layer of my journey has been peeled off, and soon I’ll be starting the next.

December 23, 2018 by