I’ve struggled to even put “two hundred crappy a day” down lately, I know there are things for me to write about. But concentration hasn’t been fantastic for a few months. The migraines and fogginess have certainly been in full force.
But I want to talk about triggers, I’ve been on the receiving end of them, and also caused some of them. The latter made me think about my mental health, and how it affects/affected others in my life. I remember a few years back when I had a break up with someone I stopped caring, and I think that was also probably the time when depression was given a kick and I started on a slow and steady decline.
My mental health took a blow, and it wasn’t pretty. I stopped tidying my house, I stopped cleaning my house, I barely ate. The worst thing that happened though was my weekly once or twice trip to the pub became a five to six night a week. I was drinking a lot, not to the state of blackout drunk. But enough that I was over the limit and still driving home.
I started to feel ill quite often, my stomach would feel horrible. I still kept going, my mental health was going downward until I reached a point where I couldn’t keep feeling like I was and stopped. But it also occurred to me, that wasn’t the worst thing that happened.
The worst thing was that no one stopped me, no one pulled me aside, no one asked how I was going. I just kept going to the pub, drinking, and going home.
Then earlier this year, I made a mountain out of a molehill with something that shouldn’t have concerned me in the first place. With someone drinking at 10am, but also someone who had battled a bit of a drinking problem when their mental health took a beating, and then when I thought about it a bit more. I had quite a few people I have cared about who have had a drinking problem and done the same thing.
I guess the point I’m making here is I cared about them enough that it made me angry about them having a drink early in the morning, rather than just drinking to get drunk, for celebration. But that I wasn’t able to express why it made me like that, and now I regret what happened.
We can’t just jump in a time machine and go back, unfortunately, but I do wish I’d never said anything and everything would still be good. But also at the time, I was going through a mental battle and keeping a lot of it hidden because I didn’t want to upset people. It feels like it was a subconscious trigger at the time, and while I did my best to try and explain it I never got the chance fully.
I’m not really sure what else to write on it, there’s still a lot on my mind. But I do miss someone deeply for my actions.