Browsing Tag


Oh punishment, punishment

I’ve had another epiphany, or realisation, or maybe it’s just a reflection like usual.

I’ve had two people recently who have stepped in and out my life on a frequent basis. I’ve head to deal with some fairly heavy mental health issues, and considering my past. It’s probably the worst ones I’ve had, it’s required additional professional health in the form of a psychologist on top of my usual counsellor, and also medication to give myself some stability.

Whilst wallowing around inside this emotional abyss, I wasn’t entirely aware of what was going on around me. I wasn’t aware I was upsetting people with my behaviour, I know I said some upsetting things. They were meant in jest, and that some people knew what was going on in the first place. I guess some assumption.

Because one of them has exited my life, and it’s left me heartbroken. I feel like I’m being punished for someone that I am not. I never felt quite right for a while, in the long perspective of it. I don’t think I’d felt great since late 2017. I was down a lot, and it was a steady decline for quite some time, and then eventually just crashed and burned.

It doesn’t feel great for someone to abandon you, especially when you think the world of them and always think they’ll be there to support you. That’s why it feels like I’m being pushed indirectly, I know they need to do what’s good for them and I understand that. But it doesn’t change how I feel.

I’ve had someone else, who seems to come in and out of my life when it suits them. Dancing back and forth between them calling it a friendship and indication they want something more. It was hard to make contact with this person because of this, and also because of my mental health. I was always told by them to “take care” and “you do you”. When I try to do this I get spoken down too, which is ironic because they said I had spoken down to them like others had and they didn’t want that anymore, and they simply said “I’m done”, and I thought they were until I got a Happy Birthday message the day after my birthday, a day late because they didn’t want to “overstep”. Only for minutes later to be spoken down to again, something they didn’t like.

It’s hard to be able to stand up for yourself sometimes, I don’t feel like I deserved it. But I also know they are a sensitive person. While I was trying to look after my mental health and get myself into a half decent place, they were struggling with their own health. Again, when we made contact I had words put into my mouth, that I didn’t care about them. They were hostile towards me, and even when I’ve tried to be nice, they’ve continued to be. Once again, I feel like I’m being punished for looking after myself, something they said I should be doing. It’s confusing, and I know they have their own mental health issues as well, which makes it all the more confusing. Are they like this because of their mental health? or are they in a clear mind and actually angry at me? When I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong in the first place.

I still am struggling, trying to find the empathy I had towards other people, while trying to find the energy and care towards myself. It’s not easy, and I don’t think it is going to happen overnight.

Stretched thin

My original plan or expectation was to write at least one article a month, and now I’ve hit a speed bump only a few months in. A lack of time and being ‘stretched thin”. So to keep up with the expectation of myself to do one post per month I thought I’d write about why I haven’t had the time and also reflect on it.

The end of financial year for work certainly increases the workload for myself, while most people would find themselves busy. They may not reflect on the consequences or a “snowball effect” of being too busy. While I’m busy keeping up with the demands and expectations of clients at work, of which can also be unrealistic and unthoughtful at times. It spills out into my personal life, the house becomes a mess, things don’t get done. The dishes and washing piles up or the clean ones sit around and don’t get put away. General cleaning doesn’t get done. Clutter starts to build up on things you haven’t dealt with, the physical health is already affected and then the mental one of all the things you need to do creeps in, and starts to stress you out. Then the stress, in turn, starts to affect you physically. The majority of my week nights and weekends have been spent finishing up small bits of work to meet others expectations or resting because I have nothing left in the tank to continue. It is also my responsibility to manage these things, and also speak out when I need to with other co-workers.

It’s upon this reflection I wonder if I should look at a career change to suit my own needs and wants for the future, something that I can achieve a manageable work and life balance, that’s not going to stress or exhaust me. There’s also continued reflection that looking after myself, on my own is becoming a struggle, and it’s not something someone in their mid 30’s wants to start to deal with or think about at an early age in the life span. When work gets so busy it affects everything around it, my health and the people around me. Of which I don’t want my illness to affect anyone.

So I guess this post is to meet that expectation of a post a month, even though there’s no real content behind it. Other than to reflect that I’ve stretched myself too thin.