Browsing Tag

depression

An idle mind is the devils workshop

Reflect peoples attitude and behaviour back at them, and watch how they change. Or something like that. I saw a quote similar to that but I didn’t save or screenshot and I’ve never been able to find it since. Carpe diem next time I see shit like that.

I guess that’s the view I’ve taken my few on friends and whatnot over time. Tired of feeling like a pitstop, a counsellor to them with their issues. Only talking to me when they need it, getting help when it suits them. I’ve gotten tired of peoples behaviour, especially towards myself.

The one’s who will complain about never getting a text back from someone, but never reply to me. The one’s who show no interest in hanging out, or no time for me. But have plenty of time for anyone else. So when I start to close myself off to them and they get less attention, it’s like a rubber band. They come flying back and want to catch up, want to talk about things. But I know it’s just another temporary step.

I guess this all comes from having a lot of time to myself, plenty to think about when you’re alone. But I guess that’s why I try to fill my time with several projects, the database, the app, the magic mirror, the woodwork builds in the shed, various websites. So long as I don’t leave my mind idle I can distract myself from them, and when I’m doing those things or have it planned I don’t put it off because someone’s returned to contact and want me to jump once they want to do something. I guess it’s better to be productive at something rather than do nothing at all.

Father Time

I guess time will catch up with us at any stage, I knew it would come eventually. Just a matter of, when?

I always knew that since being diagnosed with chronic illness things would eventually catch up and I’d slow down.

Cricket has always been a game that I’ve loved, and also hated. It taught me a lot, patience and pain, it’s like a cruel mistress. It’ll teach you about all the things you shouldn’t have done, every mistake and slip.

After finishing a season of cricket in 2018, I figured I was done but might try one more year. Summer 2018 rolled around and I started training, only to hurt my back and missed the majority of the first half of the season, I filled in one game to field and help the guys out. I had the taste for it again, while the days were long, hot and very tiring. Most of the time you’d be let down in some form, but other times you can end up with victory.

It wasn’t until I played a game shortly in the second half of the season, where I filled in as captain when I realised I’d be calling time on playing cricket ever again. While we won the game, the first for the guys in the season, hard fought and earned, and it was my first and only win ever as a captain. Standing in the outfield on a hot day, my body was calling it time, and we were both to an agreement that any games would no longer happen. Either from an illness, repeated injuries or lack of desire to play the game.

I still enjoy watching it, especially the long format.

Untitled Brain Splat

You know it’s been a while since you’ve blogged when you can feel the dust on your keyboard, and also that you get to smell it from burning inside your heater when you switch it on.

I don’t think there’s much structure to this post or any purpose. Other than to just dribble a little bit. It’s probably matching how my life feels currently. I’ve felt particularly overwhelmed, and I’m not entirely sure what or why, a combination of things perhaps?

I feel like I’m in search of some normalcy at the moment, work is overly busy and stressful, and demanding. My health has not been fantastic, my back is worse than ever, I’m back with regular tests on my parathyroid, dealing with my mental health. Then there’s the usual money problems, girl problems, car problems, and the list goes on. I’m trying to stay afloat, and some times it doesn’t just seem to stay there. It’s up and down and lately feeling like I’m sinking. But I can’t seem to find anything that I can cut out that’ll help me, and no one else around to really help me either.

I’m dealing with an internal identity crisis, and also what do I want in life? I ponder that a lot. But it’s always different each time. This time around it feels like a lot more factors are influencing what I want. It’s confusing, and also has my emotions all over the place. What do I do? I don’t really know anymore.

I feel tired, worn out, sore, stressed, overwhelmed, confused and exhausted.

Do you have a moment to talk about triggers?

I’ve struggled to even put “two hundred crappy a day” down lately, I know there are things for me to write about. But concentration hasn’t been fantastic for a few months. The migraines and fogginess have certainly been in full force.

But I want to talk about triggers, I’ve been on the receiving end of them, and also caused some of them. The latter made me think about my mental health, and how it affects/affected others in my life. I remember a few years back when I had a break up with someone I stopped caring, and I think that was also probably the time when depression was given a kick and I started on a slow and steady decline.

My mental health took a blow, and it wasn’t pretty. I stopped tidying my house, I stopped cleaning my house, I barely ate. The worst thing that happened though was my weekly once or twice trip to the pub became a five to six night a week. I was drinking a lot, not to the state of blackout drunk. But enough that I was over the limit and still driving home.

I started to feel ill quite often, my stomach would feel horrible. I still kept going, my mental health was going downward until I reached a point where I couldn’t keep feeling like I was and stopped. But it also occurred to me, that wasn’t the worst thing that happened.

The worst thing was that no one stopped me, no one pulled me aside, no one asked how I was going. I just kept going to the pub, drinking, and going home.

Then earlier this year, I made a mountain out of a molehill with something that shouldn’t have concerned me in the first place. With someone drinking at 10am, but also someone who had battled a bit of a drinking problem when their mental health took a beating, and then when I thought about it a bit more. I had quite a few people I have cared about who have had a drinking problem and done the same thing.

I guess the point I’m making here is I cared about them enough that it made me angry about them having a drink early in the morning, rather than just drinking to get drunk, for celebration. But that I wasn’t able to express why it made me like that, and now I regret what happened.

We can’t just jump in a time machine and go back, unfortunately, but I do wish I’d never said anything and everything would still be good. But also at the time, I was going through a mental battle and keeping a lot of it hidden because I didn’t want to upset people. It feels like it was a subconscious trigger at the time, and while I did my best to try and explain it I never got the chance fully.

I’m not really sure what else to write on it, there’s still a lot on my mind. But I do miss someone deeply for my actions.

Hard to Love

I’ve wondered lately about the dating game, relationships and what not, and where I fit into all of it. I haven’t dated a whole lot in the past few years, I haven’t felt in the right place for it. It’s not so much a fear of being hurt again, but that it inevitably happens anyway. In some form, someone will hurt me or disappointment, or not be the kind of person they were at the beginning.
I’ve dipped my toe in the pool a few times, only to take it out and continue to ignore it and not really go anywhere with it.

I think my mental health is part of it, I haven’t been in a good place for anything really. Now that I’ve made some moderate progress with it, it’s left me with a bit more time and energy to think about dating, and what I want. My problem is I haven’t really worked out what I want. I’m not interested in fake people, I know that much. I want honest people around me. The kind who know that being honest can hurt, but being dishonest and to later find out they were, hurts more than being honest in the first place.

I do miss having that special someone, but I find it hard to form a connection with anyone lately, and that may be down to the same fact that I had disassociated myself from empathy towards people, that I’ve also disassociated with others when it comes to forming any type of connection. There are some people I still have connections with, regardless of whether we still talk or not, people I love, people I care about. But that’s as far as they go now.

“In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
― Diablo Cody

I’d had a wonderful person in my life at one stage who thought the sun did shine out my ass. Even when things were down and I was struggling, there was still support. There was support and care even when things were good, and I do miss them immensely and always will. I’m definitely finding it hard to love myself lately, and also find that I’m hard to love by others, whether it’s just small things right through to my life may look highly complex to them and they want only parts of me. But I miss having someone who would stick by me, good or bad. Someone to share things with.

“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”
― Deb Caletti

Great Scott!

Whoa, this is heavy.

There’s been a lot on the past week, and while it hasn’t been stressful it’s just been a lot to take onboard. Work has been particularly busy due to everyone needing to be able to work from home, or remotely due to the whole COVID-19 outbreak. There is plenty of work and I’m keeping busy, but also trying to keep my distance from clients in case of those who are infected and may pass it onto myself.

On Wednesday I had my first psychologist appointment, it was at least a comfortable introductory session where we could talk about what’s going on, why and how we can go about working on them. My main concerns have been the depression, which seems to have been a side effect of my chronic illness, the last six months have probably been the worst of it. Speaking with both my counsellor and my psych, we’ve ended up in the general ball park that the Fibromyalgia had the side effect of depression and anxiety. But also that it’s had another side effect of disassociating with any of the empathy that I had before towards others in my life. In turn, this has cause some friction with others, and hurt them as well.

So working on that will be my main priority, and the psych is also giving me tasks on helping me manage pain with Fibro and also mapping some new neural pathways. It’s a start, and I’ll just have to keep going.

Friday I had another follow up appointment with my GP, just to see how the anti-depressants are going, and so far no major side effects. I feel stable, while just a tad low in mood. But not as low as the Dothep I was taking. It’s certainly doing a better job. We’re going to see how it goes for another month and reassess again, and I can also look at going up in the dose if I feel I need it.

Yesterday, was also my birthday. Schfifty-five, no. Just kidding, Thirty-Seven. I don’t feel any different to be honest. Maybe a tad of anxiety around life that I’m late 30’s and not doing all the things other people do like marriage and a family. I’m still trying to find my way. But that’s been a low level lingering feeling for quite some time. I’ve never been a big birthday person, I got a message just after midnight from Riss saying Happy Birthday, in her own way too. A few from the other people that count, and the ones I usually expect won’t remember or message.

I caught up with an old co-worker/house mate I haven’t seen in a couple of years, but we’ve kept in touch online a little, and he’s only 20 minutes away. I spent the evening with my parents, a simple dinner, some cake that put me in a sugar coma until this morning, and also watched John Wick with Dad as he’s never seen it. He enjoyed that and is going to watch the other two.

Today is just kicking around the house and doing a few things, and hopefully I get to hang with one of my favourite humans later this evening.

Having a Macbook dedicated to blogging is also helping me write more frequently and also have ideas for other things to talk about.

Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable

Two hundred crappy words a day…

One of my first counselling sessions was about making me comfortable with the uncomfortable things in my life. While it’s small things to some people, they are big ones to me. Things like receiving gifts and compliments would make me uncomfortable, and I had to get comfortable with those things. Why? Because I was taking away someone else’s happiness in doing so. I never felt like I did anything to earn them, as I’d spent most of my time doing something to earn something.

Last year I had to get uncomfortable but not offering financial assistance to those who were in a tight spot, and start doing things like sending myself on a holiday, doing things I want and giving myself that mental freedom. I guess I needed to be a bit selfish. I did that, and it was uncomfortable. I had to distance myself from people, I had to not text them, not spend time with them. Change my habits so that I could look after myself. It wasn’t a comfortable place to be in. That continued through 2019 and I kept feeling uncomfortable with a lot of things, the second major one was standing up for myself, holding people to their word and calling people out on their behaviour towards me, and that it’s not okay to treat someone like they have. It may have caused some issues but it was something I needed to do.

I’m experiencing another kind of uncomfortable at the moment and I’m not entirely sure where the cause is. But I’ve been in a low, depressive state for some time now. I would say since late 2017 is when it started. It could be from the fibromyalgia, it could be from being overwhelmed with too much going on, or given my families mental health issues. One of those could be coming to the foreground. But either way, I needed to deal with it. While I think maybe I’ve dealt with it too late, and I’ve hurt people I love and care about. I still need to deal with it and hopefully I can repair some of the damage, create that safe space for people around me again.

I’ve had to do some things that are also uncomfortable, and confronting. I’ve had people call me out on my behaviour, and I don’t think I’ve been totally aware of it. I’ve had to see my GP about a mental health plan, organise other things with my existing counsellor. I started on anti-depressants last night, I’ve been on several before but they were with the main aim of helping my Fibromyalgia and reducing the pain and effects. This time around I’m taking them for depression, mood swings, low mood and all the other shit that comes with it.

It’s been confronting, and uncomfortable. But it’s not something I can just mull on and do whenever I feel comfortable because that’s how I’ve done it in the past and it hasn’t gone to plan.

I’ve booked in with a psychologist, and started the anti-depressants. I can only see how it goes from there, there won’t be trying anymore.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Ketogenic Unknown

Another long weekend has rolled around and I’m using my Monday day off to continue with the binge watch of Anthony Bourdain’s, Parts Unknown.

While I’ve been watching it to reignite me going into the kitchen and cook, instead of hating the space. It’s also made me think a little more about the food we eat, and that’s besides that I’m trying ketogenic again.

There are a lot of other cultures that make everything from scratch, mostly with natural fresh ingredients. Cuba is essentially an organic country because they don’t have the economy to support pesticides and what not to keep bugs away. So they grow and use everything that’s seasonal. And not much is preserved either.

Some countries and cultures have a lot more time to cook and prepare food, and by having a simpler, slower way of life. They live longer and healthier. Their diets aren’t carbohydrate based like most of the western world.

First came 30 minute meals by Jamie Oliver, then 15 minute meals. Designed so people who wanted to cook still could around their busy schedule. But does any of these people slow down and spend hours cooking something from scratch? Do they grab a can or a jar for the convenience? And has it just become a reflex to do so? And I don’t think anyone ever really stops to think about what’s in that jar of sauce. It’s not hard to boil, peel and turn tomatoes into pasta sauce, add in some salt and pepper, basil and other stuff and you’ll have something that’s not filled with a whole bunch of names you can’t pronounce.

The same goes for that jar of honey soy sauce, have you thought of adding soy sauce and honey to your stir fry? It’s not hard and it’s probably quicker to do when you spend 5 minutes trying to open that jar.

I’m making more of an effort to give myself more free time and dedicate it to cooking better. Lets see how long that lasts though.

Riddle me this, riddle me that

Who’s afraid of the big, black, bat.

“New Year, New Me”. Fuck that shit. Same shit different day, and you shouldn’t need a new year to find motivation to make life changes.

However, my life changes have been slow. Almost caught up in too much thought about what I should be doing instead of taking the jump. Taking a jump, a plunge or just doing something that can step you out of your comfort zone can be completely daunting.

Life is at a crossroads.If I go down path A, I will no longer live the current lifestyle I have, which I find boring and depressive. Which sounds bad, but I have nothing to stimulate my mind or have much to be passionate about. But it means more freedom and probably better mental health. Or do I go down path B, where I would have less freedom, but be keeping myself busy, more productive and a potential career change and doing things I’ll be passionate about. Or at least something different than my usual day to day job. But how will that impact my mental health? And also my chronic illness?

I guess I’ll have to find out along the way. Both paths are enticing to go down, freedom versus doing something I really think I would enjoy. But may still give me the option of path A later down the road.

This is how my life works, a constant state of my head feeling like a washing machine going while full of scrambled eggs. The same goes for people and potential relationships, they say one thing but do another. Add that into all the other factors of those scrambled eggs spinning around and my head is just a place of violent, mushy clutter. My mind is set to “slow grind” and will leave me with a cluster of riddles to solve.

 

Change of the guard

Earlier in the year I stepped down from my duties at a cricket club I’d played at for some time, I lost the love for a game that I’d played for a long time. I found no fun, no enjoyment. People’s attitudes were creeping in and it became toxic. Being a member of the committee meant more time doing stuff for the club rather than playing a game and enjoying myself. Eventually, I stopped enjoying myself, and when insults came from people during a game I simply had enough and walked away.

I sat with the idea of giving it up altogether, or moving to another club. A different environment. I had to be selfish for my own sake for once. So after many months of thinking it over I eventually shifted clubs.

New faces, new places, a whole lot of new everything. A new environment has been a breath of fresh air, I’ve enjoyed my cricket so far this year. I’m getting a lot more of a role which I wasn’t expecting, but also high expectations came when I joined that I would be doing a lot, so personally I don’t think I’ve fired yet. I’m hoping I can contribute more than I have to the team, I’m with a great bunch of guys, and there is a huge cultural difference to the previous one. Going from mostly white Australian players to having half the team from the sub-continent (India, Pakistan, Sri-Lanka). They all have a different lease on the game. They have fun, they play hard and they are happy to lift other players, give them encouragement and advice.

I’ve even had some coaching (see: advice from a mate) on my batting. In the years of playing cricket at my last club with a paid coach I never got any. I got a few minutes with someone who isn’t a coach but I took their advice and I’m playing better than I have in years.

I’m looking forward to how much more I can do this year, even it’s a little bit.